The last few months have been a strange combination of slow living and hustle, all mixed in with a heavy dose of anxiety.
For the last three years or so, I’ve been really busy. As well as my day job, I’ve crowdfunded, edited and published a novel, spent a year marketing it, begun writing and submitting short stories, picking up freelance work and attempting to gain experience as a creative practitioner. I’ve become used to working until I’m exhausted and still feeling guilty that I’m not doing enough, not working hard enough or smart enough.
I’m not sure I really know how to switch off anymore.
In some ways, lockdown has saved me. It meant that my daily commute disappeared and I could actually sleep. I had time to spend with my husband and the opportunity to get outside to walk the dog every day, instead of just at weekends, as my in-laws normally take her out while we’re at work. My workouts have become more effective; I’ve lost some weight and grown stronger. I’ve actually enjoyed cooking new meals.
But I’m still worried about doing enough. At the moment, my focus is on picking up some freelance work, writing and applying for creative commissions. Every time I get a rejection I worry I’m not doing enough, not pushing hard enough, not good enough.
It’s a mentality I’m trying to deal with, because it doesn’t help. In fact, it actively makes things harder.
Most of all, I want to enjoy my life. I don’t want to get so wrapped up in the grind of it that I forget to pause and look around me and enjoy the small things, just because. It’s okay to do nothing. Not every second has to be about productivity. We’ve all spent the last few months surviving, however we could. If you haven’t written a soon-to-be bestselling novel series, completed half a dozen online courses, learned a language and started a business, that does not make you a failure.
One of my biggest fears coming out of lockdown is that we won’t heed the lessons of the past few months and instead fall back into our old patterns. The ones that have slowly ruined our mental health and made us despair at the world around us.
Life shouldn’t always be about endless growth and striving for more, at every moment. It should be about finding joy wherever you can: spending time outside, on the sofa or in the kitchen with your family, reading or crafting or playing games, just taking a breath.
I’m trying to wean myself off my bad hustle habits and build some boundaries. Some days are better than others, but I’m hoping to have made a few changes that I can take with me when it’s time to go back out into the world.